Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Not a good day

So it has been over 2 years since I have seen him. July 19Th, 2008 to be precise. Today is his birthday. I truly do hope that he has a happy one. All I want for him is to be happy...even if I am not. This constant battle in my head is really starting to get old, if not for me, at least with everyone I know. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about him and would just wish that I move on. I would love nothing more to just move on but as we all know, it is easier said than done. Two years ago, my heart was ripped out of my chest and one year ago it was ripped out again, stomped on, bludgeoned and eaten by a cold hearted bitch. I know that emotionally, I am better off today then I was a year ago and I know that a year from now, I will be better than today. What gets me is the fact that I know I will be better and that there is a light at the end of this dark, treacherous, twisting tunnel so why can't I just get to the end. I know that I will be able to find someone to be with again(or at least I hope), and I know that I will be happy again so WHY can't I just get over him, get over what a certain bitch did, and be happy? That is the million dollar question. Well the answer is plain and simple.....Love. I have been in love with this now 39 year old man since he was 12. I know, I ask, how can anyone at the age of 12 actually feel real love? It was probably just a crush or puppy love? Well it sounds as crazy as it is, but I knew back then, in 6Th grade, sitting across from him at the cafeteria table, that this beautiful person was my soul mate. Even when his family moved out of town, something told me that we would be together again and we were. My junior/senior year in high school is the moment this wonderful person graced my life again. There I was working at KFC, in all my greasy glory, and in walks this teenage boy that made my heart skip a beat. We spent the next year and a half of wonderful bliss together before I found out that my family was moving out of town. Again my heart broke. We agreed that I would come to Colorado for about 6 months and get my mother settled in her new environment, then I would come back to him and we would be together forever. Well life happened, God intervened, I got scared, what ever the answer is I never went back. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I was meant to stay here so I could have my beautiful daughter and he would create his terrific son. So let's just fast forward 18 years...yup that is right...18 years. Keep in mind that this whole time, I always had a feeling that I would see him again. So one day I am sitting at work checking my personal email(like every good employee does..right??!!) and had this email that came across with nothing more than the subject "Old Friend". Well normally I would delete this email and chalk it up to spam since I had no idea who the sender was(it was some strange email address), but I decided to read it. Yup you guessed it. It was a brief letter from...let's just call him Bob. He was looking for an old friend on Classmates and came across my profile. Glad to hear I was doing good. Signed Bob. I did not believe what I was seeing. I even had a coworker come over to read his name to make sure I was not officially crazy. It was him!!! To make a 26 year story a little shorter(and preserve the innocent)I will say that I was finally happy. Truly happy. The only other time I was ever this happy was the day my daughter was born. As we all know... all good things come to an end. Once again, there was an outside source(bitch)that came between him and I being together. I know what you are thinking and no he did not cheat on me with someone. A person that I thought was my best friend, went behind my back and did one of the most pathetic, disgusting, desperate, hurtful things I have ever witnessed in my life. For God's sake, there are children involved. One child was completely destroyed and the other was spared a great heartache. Did she not even think of the repercussions of her actions? Or did she not even care? I do not blame Bob for what happened next. He did what I would have done if the situations were reversed. The only thing that I don't understand is why he did not confront me about what happened and the whole situation could have been straightened out 2 years ago. Instead, Bob spent a year hating me thinking that I was this mean cold hearted bitch that would put his child in jeopardy to get something. I spent a year wondering what happened. Not sure if he was ok or even dead, I would go online and look at obituaries to make sure I did not see his name(He lives in another state). I was devastated. I would even talk to my "best" friend and tell her that it did not make any sense. He is not the kind of guy to just disappear. Something had to have happened. All she would say is "maybe you don't know him like you think you do"...I mean really!!! What kind of response is that from someone that claims to be your friend. Well hind sight is 20/20. I would love to tell you all what exactly happened but I dare not. So after the truth came out, a year after the fact...Bob is trying to work on a relationship with someone else. He has moved on and I sit here stuck. I have my days when I feel like I am ready to date again. They are more frequent then before but I still want my Bob back. I put on my happy face and go about my day with this mask on and go home and cry at night when I am alone. My daughter lost the most wonderful father figure anyone could ever ask for, and through it all, she has been my rock!! Children are so resilient and the should not have to be. So I will try to move on. One day at a time slowly healing my severed heart hoping that Bob is having a happy birthday and that this woman is treating him as well as he deserves to be treated(somehow I doubt it). I still have the feeling that we will be together again someday, but I have learned that I can no longer put my life on hold waiting for someone to realize that I am right here. I know that he will probably never see this, but if for some freak reason you do Bob, I just want to say "Hello".

Friday, February 19, 2010

Blogger Virgin

I am a 37 year old single mom that considers herself a little computer savvy. So why is it that I just now figure out this crazy world of blogging? I would like to say that it is simply because I have been too busy living my life, but the cold hard reality of it is, I have been too damn lazy. I do have a lot going on in my life with my daughter, work, school, aging mother, and pets, but if I can spend up to 4 hours a night on Facebook taking care of my farm and cafe, then I have time to sit down and spill out all my deepest, darkest thoughts. Right? Well I am not sure how often I will be here but I can assure you, when the moment strikes, and I just need to get something off my chest, this will be my format. Thanks for reading and stay tuned....ya never know how juicy this might get!! (Or completely boring which will help any insomniacs out there...LOL)